


Lambert, Monsterfucker

by GreenBird



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fanart, Filth, Harkness Rules of Consent, Human/Monster Romance, Illustrations, M/M, MONSTER FUCKER, Monster sex, Monsterfucker Lambert (The Witcher), Monsters, Naga, Non-Human Genitalia, PWP, Size Difference, Size Kink, size queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:53:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25751644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenBird/pseuds/GreenBird
Summary: “He really never should have taken any advice from Geralt. Lambert’s way of doing things had worked just fine for him in his 30 years on the Path, so why he took Geralt’s fucking advice to try to talk to a monster instead of just stabbing it to death was idiocy on his part.”Lambert tries alternate methods of monster management with an intelligent creature. The fact that the monster is awfully kind to him and he’s a bit thirsty for dick complicates the matter.Basically like 12k of monster fucking. Get in here, you filthy sluts.
Relationships: Lambert (The Witcher)/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 68
Kudos: 310
Collections: Wasn't Quite Expecting This (But I Loved It)





	Lambert, Monsterfucker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Llama1412](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llama1412/gifts).



> I’m blaming this on my discord. They forced me to do it. 
> 
> Saying that, enjoy your filth.

He really never should have taken any advice from Geralt. Lambert’s way of doing things had worked just fine for him in his 30 years on the Path, (it wasn’t like he was dead, yet) -so why he took Geralt’s fucking advice to try to talk to a monster instead of just stabbing it to death was idiocy on his part.

“Not all non-humans are unreasonable,” he’d told Lambert, several cups into a particularly lethal combination of white gull and rye. “You don’t have to kill trolls most of the time, just talk to them and see what they want. Keeps you from having to dull your sword on their hides.”

And really, that was the initial reason Lambert had tried it; he hated having to sharpen his sword after a troll kill. And, okay- the talking thing did work on one troll earlier that season. Lambert just asked it what it wanted and why it was bothering people on the road. Turned out a rockslide had covered its cave. Easy fucking fix. A few bombs and one enthusiastically cheering troll later, the problem was solved. The troll even gave him a purse a terrified human dropped in the road for helping it.

Also, it had been fun. For once he didn't have to get hurt or covered in blood- he just had to set off a few charges and got paid twice. Couldn’t bitch about that.

So maybe it was one part of drunk Geralt ideals, and one part stupid optimism and one part sheer fucking boredom, but Lambert tried it again a few jobs later. 

The contract was to deal with a lindwyrm. Lambert seriously fucking doubted it was a lindwyrm, but the townspeople liked calling it that. It was big and terrifying and long, so wyrm it was. They also said it had a humanoid torso and a flat, snoutless face, so yeah- not actually a lindwyrm. He really didn’t know what the fuck it was. He wasn’t a nerd like Geralt, who had a goddamn sketch and book entry for everything he ever saw, ever. (Though, he had poured over those journals a few times when he left them behind at Kaer Morhen and okay they were useful) He would just have to figure it out.

It was spotted near a rocky outcropping off of a trade route, and scared the ever living shit out of several people to the point of making the road somewhat abandoned. Several townsmen and soldiers for hire went out to look for it, but the creature was apparently elusive. One man may have found it, but no one knew, since he hadn’t returned. The only other damages from it were some local goats off of a farm. 

Still, the pay was reasonable- in fact a bit more than he expected- apparently the alderman shit himself when he saw it watching him from the tree line, so Lambert took the job. 

He started at the farm where the goats had gone missing, trying to pick up a trail. It was fairly useless. The rocky outcropping was next. Apparently there were old mines there, long abandoned and somewhat flooded. Sounded like he knew where the ‘lindwyrm’ would be holed up. It was monster hideout 101.

Lambert picked up some tracks in a patch of freshly moved dirt near the base of the rocky slope. There was also a curious stack of stones on the spot, almost like a cairn. Had some crazy asshole buried someone out here recently? Bizarre. 

The tracks left in the dirt around the grave were pretty unique. There was a long, smooth sweep through the soil with a smaller sweep inside- much like the mark left by a serpent. A very large serpent. The belly was over five feet wide at the largest. Okay, so yes that was a very wyrm-ish body. 

The thing that was unusual was the strange handprints. There were three fingers and a thumb, and they were long, each finger around the length of his forearm. There were talons on the ends- he could see the slash marks they left in the prints. 

Wyrms didn’t have forearms like that, and they didn’t have humanoid torsos. He regarded the stacked stones. Had the creature put them there? It didn’t seem likely some traveler had deceased to bury here of all places, and a murderer wouldn’t leave a cairn. Lambert spotted a spade shaped stone, too large for a man to wield, with dirt caked on it. Had the monster dug a grave? Why would it? And placing a grave marker? It wasn’t just unusual, it was nicer than even Lambert would do for a dead body: he’d just cast an Igni and be done with it.

So, if the creature had buried someone, and had left a grave marker- not only was it not eating people, it was trying to pay respects to them as well. That was a pretty high intelligence marker. 

_Try talking to the smart ones, asshole- it will save you a lot of trouble and perhaps a few scars_ , Geralt said in his head. 

He continued following it, the tracks leading up into the rocks. Lambert climbed carefully, trying to pick up a scent to assist in his hunting. The only smell he could distinguish was a scent similar to a lamia, which made a little more sense than a wyrm.

His reflexes came in handy when he reached a sudden drop, hidden well between two rocks. It looked just like a shadow, but upon closer inspection it was an opening to a mine shaft. Lambert thumbed the one of the vials of Cat he had in the pouch on his belt, tied off a rope to spelunk down with, and dipped into the darkness.

There were a few rocky ledges on the way down, and the drop was a steep one, at least ten meters. His rope was too short to take him all the way, but Lambert was an excellent climber, and Cat allowed him to spot every clear foothold. 

There was a pool of dark water at the bottom, probably several meters deep- it was a mine, after all. Lambert ducked beneath the water and noticed a tunnel offshooting the shaft, with the smallest amount of clearance where he could swim through and still breathe. He wasn’t the biggest fan of swimming or of caves- you know, what with his shitty childhood of a witcher trainee and seeing his friends die in a cave. It was just fucking creepy. He didn’t like swimming into a tunnel that may or may not have air at the end; so the small passage of breathing space was a welcome thing. 

Thankfully, the tunnel ended in a relatively short distance in a large stone room, partially natural and partially mined. Half of it was consumed by the pool, but there was a considerable amount of flat surface out of the water to stand on. He was thankful to get out of the pool: who knew how deep it went or what was swimming under him. 

The room was lit by the dimmest phosphorescence, a few clusters of illuminated mushrooms grew from the walls. There was a breeze coming from somewhere, most likely a fissure in the stone, but no daylight eked through. He could probably still see without Cat, but it would be a lot more difficult.

Lambert sniffed the air, noting the smell of the creature was much stronger, here. This must have been one of its lairs. There was no sign of it just then- nothing but a nest over on a dry patch of stone.

Lambert inspected it. The nest was primarily of leaves and grasses, and it was fairly large- at least the size of a griffon’s next. There were no eggs or offspring, so that was good, and no bones or suspicious objects.

The creature was still a mystery. It looked like it didn’t eat people at all, nor did it look like it stole trinkets. No hoarding behavior, no attacks on people- just creeping and watching and hiding. Not exactly the behavior he usually saw. 

He combed the room, looking for a spot to hide himself and wait. There was a fissure in the wall big enough to hide him, but not exactly comfortably. Lambert squeezed in, cussing all the while, and waited in the cold dark of the mine. 

He didn’t have to stay stuffed in his hiding place for very long. It was less than ten minutes before he heard movement in the chamber, this time coming from what he assumed was another flooded passageway. Something large surfaced from the water, pulling a deep breath before lifting itself onto the dry stone.

What came out of the pool was one of the strangest monsters Lambert had ever seen. It hauled itself up out of the water with its forelimbs, and the rest of its powerful, serpentine body coiled behind it.

It moved slowly to its nest, and Lambert ran through so many scenarios about how to spring the attack. He had no idea what the fuck this was and what it could do. He was well hidden. If he was lucky it wouldn’t notice him and he could gather more intel.

Lambert was never fucking lucky.

He knew he was breathing soundlessly, but apparently even that wasn’t quiet enough. The creature turned to him, and Lambert found himself staring directly into two glowing eyes.

They both froze in realization, and seemed to take each other in. The creature was so much larger than a lamia, bigger than even a gorgon. The shape was similar- it did have a more human face and torso, with thinner arms and obscenely long-fingered hands. Its scales looked to be blue, but it was hard to distinguish in the dark. There were spines growing from its vertebrae, nearly a hand in length and bone white. 

The face was the strangest thing. Most lamia and echidne were beautiful from the waist up until they opened their vicious mouths. This creature had no such glamour. It had the similarities of a human face, with forward-facing eyes, a flat nose and a sharp jawline, but its mouth was eerily lipless. Its needle-sharp teeth shone in the low light, and its eyes were a pale, luminous green.

It hadn’t moved towards him since they had made eye contact. It watched him with intensity, the only gesture it made was a flick of its tongue, dark and quick, tasting the air.

Lambert was at a bit of a loss. This was an unknown monster- armed with dangerous teeth and talons, nearly eight meters in length and intelligent. He had no idea where to start.

Normally, it would be with a bomb. However, trapped underground in an unexplored cave was not a place to throw bombs. He could charge it, see how it reacted, but it looked like it would be quick, and there could be venom. Other than slide out of the crack in the wall, where he would definitely be trapped if it charged him, he didn’t do anything at all.

“Ssstrange,” the creature hissed, its voice melodic and slow, “not human?”

Lambert blinked in surprise. The creature didn’t recognize a witcher, but knew he wasn’t human? The tongue flickered again, and its eyes mapped over him, puzzled.

“Hunter?” It asked, head tilting. There were strange, horn-like eruptions from the top of its skull, sweeping back to make a frill. It glittered as it moved its head. “You come to kill Azurmat?”

‘Azurmat’ being itself? “Yeah, maybe,” Lambert muttered, unsure of where to go from there. If he knew what this was he would already have killed it, but the being before him was beyond strange. 

Well, it was the one that started the conversation, and Geralt told him to maybe try talking to the intelligent ones. At least this was an option.

“What the fuck are you?” He asked, keeping his sword arm steady.

“Fuck, me?” It responded, confused. 

Shit, damnit no. Okay he needed to be simple and clear, here. This fucking thing obviously didn’t speak in colloquialisms.

“No,” Lambert said, “what are you? What is Azurmat?”

That seemed to work a little better. The creature nodded and gestured to itself. “Blue snake,” it offered, “Child of Biscione. Very old. Come far from south and east.”

What the fuck was a Biscione? So much shit had piled in during the Conjunction, but this may have been older than even that.

“What are you doing here?” Lambert asked. A monster from the south and east would have to cross unforgiving mountain ranges and dangerous lands to get this far. Why would it do that?

“Safer here,” it responded. “Good cave. Ready for sleeping.”

Oh, hibernation. The creature was looking for a place to hibernate. That was… really rather innocuous.

“There was a man who came looking,” Lambert said, steadying his sword arm. If Azurmat had killed him it would be an issue. “What happened to him?”

The serpent uttered a low hiss and shook its head. “Man fell. Heard him. Came up to see, but drowned in water with broken legs.” It looked almost sad, its eyes lidded and shoulders slouched. “Buried man.”

Lambert’s sword lowered a few inches in pure surprise. So that weird suspicion was right; Azurmat had buried the man and made a marker. What the fuck was that about?

“Why were you scaring people?” He tried. 

Azurmat brought a long hand to its face, gently touching it. “Am ugly,” it explained. “Try to see others, to greet. Too ugly a face.”

“It’s not that bad,” Lambert muttered. Azurmat seemed to perk up at that. “It’s okay, humans don’t like me either. Too scary.” 

He didn’t know why the fuck he said that, but the serpent seemed to be encouraged by it. 

“Not human, what is name? Azurmat told. Be fair.” The serpent settled back on what could be its haunches, if snakes had them. 

Well, yeah it was only fair. “Lambert. I’m a witcher.”

“Is witcher scary? Why?”

“We kill monsters. Humans think we are also monsters, even though we protect them.”

This seemed to entice Azuremat, and Lambert nearly jumped back as it weaved its head excitedly.

“Azurmat once protected humans in south. Lived near village. Got gifts, protected from beasts and horrors.” It flicked its tongue happily. “Humans liked Azurmat then.”

So it was like a small god? Guardian creature? Maybe it was created. Whatever it was, Azurmat didn’t seem at all interested in killing Lambert. He gave in to the ache in his arm and lowered his sword.

“Why did you leave?”

Azurmat hissed in anger, though not at him. “Azurmat sleep, army came. Village died.” It slouched again. “No more humans like Azurmat.”

“Humans are stupid,” Lambert offered. Why the hell was he bonding with this thing? Somewhere, Geralt was laughing at him.

“Lambert should not be hated. Very near human. Only little different,” Azurmat argued. 

“Well, I am kind of a dick- I mean, fuck… I’m kind of mean to them. I don’t like people because they aren’t nice to me.” Apparently it was time for a confession? Oh well. If Azurmat had been a small god, then he could probably confess to it. 

“I will be nice,” Azuremat attested, holding the c longer than necessary. 

Fucking Geralt and his fucking advice. If Lambert had just lobbed a bomb at Azurmat as he came into the room it would already be over with. One of them would be dead.

Still, he guessed this was working, and it wasn’t like he was being hurt any by talking. It was weirdly nice not having to worry about being judged and spit at. He normally only got to have talks with other witchers.

If Azurmat hadn’t killed the man, and it had only been interested in the people, then that left only one more loose end.

“Did you eat the goats from the farm down the hill?”

The serpent had enough humility to look embarrassed. “Am hungry!” It protested, “Had long trip.”

Lambert rolled his eyes. “Eat deer in the woods.”

“So fast!” Azurmat complained.

“Quit bitching.” He was trying not to smile. A monster, bitching at him. “People will like you more if you don’t eat their animals.”

Azurmat sighed, long and breathy. “Yes. Fine.”

That wrapped that up. Now for making sure nothing further happened. “You are going to sleep here?” Lambert asked, gesturing to the nest. “How long?”

“Many years,” Azurmat said. “Tired.” Good, that meant the people wouldn't see or hear from the serpent in a long time, and hopefully stay out of the abandoned mines. Problem solved. “Ate much,” Azuremat continued, “now mate, then sleep.”

What? “Mate?” Lambert asked, staring down an entirely new problem.

The serpent nodded, crossing its long arms over its chest. “Azurmat mate, then sleep. Sleep is better.”

Lambert couldn’t exactly argue with that. You did sleep better after draining your balls. He loved how hard he crashed after an evening at a whorehouse. There was just one problem.

“Who are you going to mate with? There are no…” Lambert gestured uselessly. “No ‘creatures of Biscione’, here.”

Azurmat sighed. Apparently it had realized the same thing. “Maybe wyvern want? Or lamia?” It looked skeptical, as if it were trying to convince itself. “Humans used to, but not for long time, now.”

Lambert gawped at Azuremat in confusion. “How? How the fu- how did a human mate with you? You’re enormous.”

The serpent tilted its head again. “Carefully,” it explained. “Azurmat very nice and sweet mate.”

Fuck. So here he was with a horny monster that needed a mate to go into a long hibernation. There were no goddamn wyvern in the area because Lambert had just fucking killed them last week. There were no lamia because they were too far from the sea, and he was damn sure he couldn’t get a human to agree with it. He’d just decided not to kill Azurmat, and now this?

“Just go to sleep, no mating,” Lambert tried.

“No!” Azuremat looked affronted. The damn serpent would rather fuck a wyvern than go to bed without using its… whatever genitals it had. “Need to,” it insisted.

“Fuck.”

“Yesss,” the serpent hissed, happily.

He glared at Azurmat. 

The blue scales glittered as Azurmat began to move, slithering sideways and back, a sort of pacing. It didn’t try to close the distance, but was looking at the witcher carefully.

“Lambert fuck?” It asked, voice hopeful. “Lambert not human. Will be nice. Azurmat won’t hurt.”

Lambert tried not to be alarmed at being propositioned by a monster, he really did- it wasn’t even the first time this happened. He had been asked by succubus and incubus, of course- and a bruxa nearly accosted him for dick once, but those were mostly human looking monsters. Azurmat was not. 

“I can’t mate with you!” He scoffed, exasperated. “You’re huge! And how would it work? Can’t you just jerk off?”

Azurmat looked puzzled, mostly likely lost at half of the things that were said, then brought its hand down to its pelvis, framing a slit between its belly scales with its fingers.

“Not so big,” Azurmat said, pressing down on itself. Lambert realized, with a small amount of horror, that he was about to see a monster’s junk. He hadn’t really put much mind to the sex of Azurmat- who fucking knew if it even had just one, but he was about to see some sort of configuration.

Of course, what slid out wasn’t exactly the scariest thing he’d seen, but it wasn’t undaunting, either. Azurmat had a penis, and it was not a small one. The goddamned thing was a forearm in length and nearly as thick. Its end was tapered and it flared near the middle before thinning down again at the base. It shone wet and smooth in the low light, and firmed up as he looked at it. Azurmat seemed proud of itself. 

“See? Not so big!”

What humans had Azurmat been fucking?

Lambert stared, wide eyed. 

Azuremat was not discouraged by his silence. “Can Azurmat see Lambert?” It asked, inching forward. It was still giving Lambert a good deal of space- he hadn't put his sword away, but Azurmat wasn’t frightened of him and seemed very interested in getting closer.

Fuck, Lambert couldn’t stop staring at its fucking cock. It was a deep purple in color, and looked slick and eager. Why was that appealing? Why the fuck was his own cock trying to get his attention? He should be stabbing or screaming and instead he was absentmindedly toying with his belt buckle.

Honestly, though. Who would know? If he did this, who would even know? He didn’t need to get that cock inside of his body- as if he even could. Lambert liked receiving, even preferred it sometimes, but that was a lot of prick to stuff in his ass. He could let Azurmat fuck his thighs.

Fuck, feeling that thing, slick and hard and pulsing, moving between his legs? Lambert’s cock jumped at the idea. Okay- they could do that. That was safe. That wasn’t that weird.

What the fuck was he kidding? It was very weird, his dick was just making it harder and harder to care. 

“I cannot fucking believe I am doing this,” Lambert muttered, unbuckling his belt and toeing off his boots. He would put the boots back on- the stone floor wasn’t exactly comfortable on bare feet. He didn’t sheathe the silver sword, just set it so it could be easily grabbed, and set the steel scabbard, daggers and potions aside. He wouldn’t need another dose of Cat for a while yet.

Lambert shucked his greaves and pants off quickly trying not to think about how stupid this was. Next was his leather brigantine and gloves. He was left standing in his wet shirt, which he tied up on his waist to keep it high and he slid back into his boots. It would make more sense to just be naked in his boots, but he had some dignity. 

Not a lot of it, mind you. Here he was, cock out and half hard, on display for a giant snake-man thing. What the fuck was his life?

“Well?” Lambert grumbled, strangely self conscious.

Azurmat hissed low, like a hum, its green eyes tracing the bared skin. “Lambert looks strong,” Azurmat said, finally slithering just a little closer. “Pretty cock.”

Lambert frowned as he felt a warm flush of arousal at the creature’s approval. One long hand reached out, very slow and clear in its intention, and Lambert swallowed harshly as Azuremat ran the smooth top of his talon, the harsh point of it curved away, up the length of his prick. What the fuck? Why was that making him twitch?

“Watch your claws,” Lambert scolded, weakly. 

“Of course, no-scales,” Azurmat chided. “ Human body delicate. Witcher body same?”

“A little more tough,” he admitted, “but stay gentle. I don’t want to get cut up. I am doing you a favor.”

The toothy, mildly terrifying mouth widened in what Lambert could only guess was a smile. “Lambert will let Azurmat touch, then? Lambert mate with Azurmat?”

Well, he was already naked. Might as well do it. “Yeah, okay,” he grumbled, approaching Azurmat. Even resting back on its coils, the snake was still towering over him. Its prick, at least, was at the right level. “Between my legs, not inside,” Lambert explained, reaching his hand down to rub the inside of his thigh, hoping Azurmat got the plan. The snake nodded in agreement, tongue flickering excitedly. 

Now for the part that Lambert was most nervous about: turning his back to Azurmat. So far the snake had done nothing suspicious, and had given him no reason to think it would harm him. Lambert steeled himself and turned, backing up to Azurmat’s torso. The huge, slick cock slid up the cleft of his ass and pressed against the small of his back. Lambert reached behind himself, ignoring the enthusiastic twitch under his palm as he grabbed its prick, moving to slip it between his legs. 

The feeling of the wet, pulsing cock under him, pressed up on his balls and the apex of his thighs, made him moan in surprise. Fuck, that was so strange and so… good. Lambert tightened his thighs, smiling to himself when he heard Azurmat take a rattled breath.

Lambert considered what to do next, wondering if he could rock his hips and be able to stand with his thighs tight enough, or if he needed Azurmat’s help. He didn’t need to think about it at all, because two large hands wrapped around his ribcage, holding him sure and tight.

Lambert shouted, perhaps a bit startled. “Fuck, don’t just grab me, unannounced!”

Azurmat’s blunt nose touched the crown of Lambert’s head. “Ssssorry,” it hissed, “do not want to knock Lambert down.”

Fine, that was fair. The hands weren’t uncomfortably tight, but they were sure and strong and he did like the feel of it. He knew he shouldn’t. This was insanity. 

“Fuck, you’re huge,” he muttered, closing both hands around the length that cleared his thighs. Even closed tight around it, there was more than a hand’s span peeking beyond. Lambert stroked it, milking a dollop of clear slick from the tip and swiping it against his thighs. He was relieved Azurmat was leaking so profusely- it would ease the way. 

“Okay,” he said, voice only slightly shaky. “Like this? Move?”

Azurmat needed no further instruction. The snake began to undulate behind him, holding Lambert still and fucking the clench of his thighs. The witcher gasped as the cock slid under him, slick and cool against his balls, forcing his thighs to part and squeeze as the thick middle passed through them. The force of movement set Lambert up on his toes, and he would have pitched forward if not for the sure grip around him. 

Apparently Lambert’s flexing thighs and stroking hands felt very nice, because Azuremat muttered what could only be praises in a strange tongue, all long, sibilant groans. It moved languidly, not jostling Lambert as the witcher rode its cock.

Lambert’s palms were soaked with the clear slick, and he felt it dribble down his thighs. His own cock had gotten so hard he ached, and he brought one hand up, moaning as he touched himself.

“Yesss,” Azurmat hissed against his head, its tongue flicking out to lick at an ear, the shadow of his jaw. “Take pleasure.”

Lambert shuddered. “Push all the way,” he gasped, pressing his hips back and clenching his legs tight. Azurmat held him close and Lambert brought their cock’s together, his normally sizable prick dwarfed by comparison. He used both hands to stroke them, the cool reptilian flesh a drastic comparison against the aching heat of his own. It was so strange and arousing, this huge, powerful thing holding him gently and groaning as he pleasured them both.

Azurmat wasn’t lying when it said it had fucked humans before; not a single talon pricked his skin, and the snake moved confident and careful. How the fuck had someone ever got this huge cock inside of them? Lambert was a great deal more sturdy than a human, but he was daunted by the idea. Daunted, but very turned on. Thinking about taking Azurmat’s cock, even just half of it, made Lambert’s eyes roll in arousal. Fuck, maybe he could just try it?

He would have to think on that further, because the cock between his legs pulsed and swelled, and Azurmat rocked in tiny thrusts as it neared its peak. Lambert ignored his own prick and quickened his strokes on the the thinner tip. The body pressed to his back tensed, and the hands on his ribs tightened near painfully as Azurmat came, letting out a loud, wild noise that made Lambert’s heart jump in his chest. 

The amount of cum that spilled from Azurmat was astonishing. It was a mess, splashing his thighs and hands, dripping all over his boots. Lambert was so shocked he didn’t even feel mad.

“Holy shit,” he mumbled, bringing his hands up to look at the liquid coating them. The Cat was wearing off, and everything was becoming dimmer. The perceived dark made him bold enough to bring a palm up to his lips, tasting it with a flick of his tongue. 

It wasn’t so dark that Azurmat didn’t notice. “Good?” the serpent said, eyes lidded and face drawn in a leer. Lambert glared at him.

“You finished now? Go to sleep.”

“No, no,” it crooned, long fingers petting his sides, “Azurmat return pleasure. Kind mate.” The faintly glowing eyes flicked down to Lambert’s still stiff cock. “Lambert please Azurmat. Azurmat please back.”

Okay, well that was fair. Payment for services, and all that. 

“Fine,” he snapped, trying to sound nowhere near as excited as he actually was. 

“On knees,” Azurmat said, gently nudging Lambert over to its nest. Lambert went, ignoring all the instincts screaming at him to not get down on all fours, facing away from a dangerous being with a cock the size of a fucking horse. The rest of him was amped up and painfully hard at the idea.

“Yes, good.” Azurmat slithered in behind him, its breath gusting against Lambert’s wet thighs. The witcher tried to stay still, but the agile tongue that licked him from sack to tailbone had him jolting in alarm. Oh fucking hell.

Azurmat was not shy. Its tongue immediately pressed to Lambert’s hole, flexing and swirling, so much larger than a human’s. Of course the monster would do this to him- just Lambert’s luck. He loved being eaten out- the feel, the sound, the filthy drooling wetness slicking him up. It was the one thing that could get him whimpering and begging in a matter of minutes, so of course a fucking monster would do it to him. He was going to be wrecked.

Lambert dropped his head between his arms, moaning low and wanton. It echoed in the cavern. Behind him, Azurmat made something that must have been akin to a laugh, and pushed its tongue inside. 

Yeah, he was fucked. This was how he died- tongue fucked by a snake-man in a bed of leaves. Lambert’s thighs shook as Azuremat fucked into him, only a small amount at first, then deeper, and then impossibly so. 

Lambert yelped. Nothing had ever been that deep inside of him. Azurmat took it as a negative and drew back, returning to laving on the outside of his hole.

“It was good,” he said, voice thin and shaking with effort. “I like it.”

That was enough to get the tongue back inside of him, though Azurmat kept its thrusts shallower than before. Lambert couldn’t complain; it still felt fantastic. He balanced on one arm and finally grasped his aching cock, feeling his pulse drum under his fingertips. Yeah, this wasn’t going to be long.

He managed to hold out for another minute or so before he began talking. “Fucking fuck this is- your tongue is huge… yeah, like that. Fuck yes please…” 

Azurmat ’s teeth brushed his ass, the smooth fronts and then, as Lambert keened and pressed back, the pinpricks of their tips. It didn’t break skin, but the reminder of what it was that was eating him out sent Lambert over the edge. He shouted and jerked, coming so hard he ended up laying facedown in a pile of leaves, gasping and shaking apart.

“Good, good,” Azurmat said, sliding over Lambert’s prone body. Its large hands pressing on either side of him, holding up the bulk of its weight. “Did you like?”

“Mmhm,” Lambert hummed, facedown and boneless. He could feel Azurmat’s cock on his ass. “Again with you?” Lambert said, lifting his head enough to turn and look behind him. 

“Yessss, was good. Want more,” Azurmat shifted, sliding his cock between his cheeks, rutting slowly. More slick leaked onto his skin. Lambert knew what Azurmat wanted, and he was just boneless and hazy enough to consider it.

The tip of the monster’s cock prodded him questioningly, and Lambert grunted and reached back, guiding it to him.

“I say stop, you stop,” he grumbled. He should have felt terrified, but he didn’t. He felt fantastic: languid, horny and downright perverse. Fuck it, he could at least try. The damn serpent backed off when Lambert yelped in surprise, chances were it would do the same with its cock. Somewhere, Vesemir was screaming in horror.

The very tip of Azurmat’s cock breached him, and Lambert grunted and tilted his hips. It wasn’t thick, even thinner than a human’s cock, so the first few centimeters were easily taken before there was a stretch. “Yes, Azurmat listen. Very careful,” the serpent assured, keeping its movements small. 

Lambert gasped as the stretch increased, lighting up a pleasant ache and burn in his backside. He was at the depth of a nice human cock, and just as wide. 

“Slow down,” Lambert said, fighting to keep his voice level. “That’s what I can take.”

Azurmat fucked him gently, keeping its movements shallow and slow. “Lambert can take more,” it said, sly. “Azurmat not big.”

“You’re fucking enormous!” Lambert snipped back, noticing that Azurmat actually did not push deeper. Fuck, maybe he could take more- it felt fucking good so far, the stretch wasn’t painful or overwhelming and he did like it. “Maybe a little more,” he grumbled, “but go slow.”

“Yes, sssslow.” A long tongue lapped at the back of his neck and Lambert spread his legs a little further. A few more centimeters slid in, forcing a grunt out of him. Azurmat hissed low and happy. “Relax, Lambert. Very good. Feels good.”

It fucking did feel good. The ache was fantastic, and Azurmat slid nearly all the way out and back again. Each thrust worked slowly deeper and Lambert groaned as the pressure increased. 

He became vaguely aware he was gasping and clawing at the nest as he was pinned by Azurmat’s cock. The slick, obscene noises echoed in the cavern and his prick twitched in renewed interest. The girth of the cock inside of him, and the angle Azurmat had him pinned made it impossible not to get his prostate ground down upon.

At some point he started blathering again. “Holy fuck, oh fucking hell,” he groaned, swallowing hard. Was he fucking drooling? “You’re so fucking huge what the...” He broke off with a whine, feeling his hole stretch even wider.

Azurmat stilled, holding itself in place, letting Lambert accommodate the stretch. “Good, Lambert,” it crooned. Lambert hated himself a little when the praise made him shake. “Hurts?”

He shook his head frantically. That was the weirdest fucking thing; it didn’t hurt at all. He was speared on a fucking massive cock, spread further than that one time he had two pricks in his ass and he wasn’t in pain at all. What the fuck was in Azurmat’s slick?

“So good,” the serpent said, beginning to move again in short thrusts. The constant change in girth was unlike getting fucked by a human, but it was intense and addictive. “Near half.”

Fuck, he was nearly halfway down that cock? No wonder he was writhing at each thrust- Azurmat was huge in the middle, bigger than a fucking fist. Just thinking about it was making Lambert arch his back further. Maybe he could fucking take it. Shit, he wanted to. When the fuck would he ever get this sort of chance again? He wasn’t about to start propositioning wyverns and cocktrice, and good luck getting a whore to try to peg a man with something of that size. The cost was astronomical. 

He was halfway there. Fuck it. In for an oren, in for a crown. 

“Give me more,” he growled, pushing back as much as he could manage laying as he was. Fuck, it was so wide. 

“Yesss,” Azurmat hissed, shifting to better its position. “Relax, now.”

When the pressure finally increased again, Lambert tried his best to make himself pliant. It only worked so well. For a tense moment it was too much, too wide, too big, and then the moment was over, and Azurmat’s cock narrowed down again, sliding easily past.

The depth and intensity pushed a wail out of Lambert, surprising them both. A large hand settled over his forearms, stilling them. He realized, belatedly, that he had been clawing at the nest like some frantic animal.

Cool scales pressed to Lambert’s ass; he was fully impaled on Azurmat’s cock. He couldn’t stop making noise, first the loud cry and then wordless moans. Lambert felt the fucking cock in his throat, felt like it was bulging out his stomach. He fucking loved it.

Azurmat hadn’t moved. “Hurt?” it asked, its voice tighter than before. At least Lambert wasn’t the only one affected. 

“N-No,” Lambert stuttered. It wasn’t painful, exactly- it just felt insane. He felt so full and fucking powerless, pinned and impaled and completely at the mercy of a fucking monster. 

Azurmat nudged Lambert with his hips, moving in him the smallest amount. “Good?” It asked.

“Fuck, yeah,” Lambert said, trying to keep himself still. The large hand laying over his arms was loose and barely holding him. Fuck, he wanted that. He wanted to be at this fucking thing’s mercy. “Hold me down,” he panted, jerking his arms. Azurmat complied, turning its hand around and cradling both of Lambert’s forearms in it. The long, taloned fingers closed over them, trapping his arms with just the right amount of pressure. 

He muttered a quick thanks, making sure Azurmat understood he liked it. The snake flexed and coiled above him, obviously pleased and desperate to move. Lambert twitched his hips in encouragement and the serpent took the cue, beginning to fuck into him.

Azurmat couldn’t pull out that far before the thick bulge of its cock threatened to pop out, making Lambert gasp and whimper. It kept its thrusts short and deep, grinding the thickest part against Lambert’s prostate. The pressure was near bruising, and the witcher loved it. He had to take each deep push, each intense pull. He was pinned and trapped and had no choice, and that made him so fucking hard. He couldn’t even touch his neglected cock, hard and angry between his legs.

Lambert loved the noises Azurmat was making, hissing and speaking in a mix of its native tongue and northern. It looked over him and increased its pace, tail thrashing as it neared its peak.

Lambert realized, perhaps too late, that Azurmat was going to cum in him. He’d just witnessed what that looked like. Fuck, the serpent was going to flood his ass. This was going to be a mess.

“Fuck, you’re going to fill me up, aren’t you?” He gasped. “I’m going to be leaking your cum for fucking days.”

Azurmat cried out, the same frighteningly beast-like noise as before. Lambert moaned and gasped as the pressure inside of him increased as Azurmat came. It didn’t feel nearly as much as before, and thank whatever gods for that- the resulting mess would be less than glamorous, but it was still enough to make his guts cramp uncomfortably. 

“Okay,” he grunted, “you need to get out now.”

Azurmat released Lambert’s arms and pressed the huge hand on his back as it drew away. “Slow,” Azurmat whispered, “breathe.”

Thankfully the cock inside of him had gone down considerably, shrinking to a much more reasonable size. Lambert tried to clench down as it withdrew, but there was no way not to leak cum down onto the nest. He felt a flash of embarrassment, knowing his hole probably looked filthy and wrecked, and pressed his fingers to it, trying to staunch the flow. 

Azurmat laughed in its strange, slurring voice. “No worry,” it assured. “More bedding in cave.”

Lambert rolled over and sat up, wincing at the feeling of cum dribbling from his ass. He felt sore, but not in pain- just fucking well-used. He looked down at himself: drying cum on his legs and boots, fresh cum leaking between his cheeks. He smelled like a whore after a boat full of sailors. 

“Ugh. I’m filthy. Fucking gross.” 

The serpent dipped down and plucked Lambert up effortlessly, two huge hands scooping him up like he was a child. Lambert was embarrassed to hear himself yelp in surprise, and he blinked frantically in the dimness, trying to see where Azurmat was taking him. Even witcher eyes weren’t adept in this kind of dark.

“Calm, calm,” it gentled, glowing eyes peering down at him. “Help wash Lambert. Azurmat made mess, will clean.”

Oh. Well that wasn’t expected. Lambert heard the drip of water as they came over to the flooded side of the room. Azurmat slid into the pool with him, dipping them in the chilly water. The serpent partially let him go, keeping one hand to steady him. Lambert grumbled a thanks and scrubbed at himself. His boots were already wet from swimming, but hopefully he could get a little of the cum off of them by kicking around in the water. 

The flush of embarrassment and shame and the cold temperature of the water had effectively killed Lambert’s arousal, but he wasn’t exactly fussed about it. He needed a break. All of his muscles felt like he’d been fighting.

After a few minutes of scrubbing Azurmat lifted him out of the pool, then slithered up alongside. With the Cat worn off, Lambert could only see the vague shape of the serpent, and the occasional blue glimmer of a scale as it caught what little light there was. The mushrooms on the walls and Azurmat’s eyes looked much brighter when they were the only clear things in the room. 

His sense of direction was still good enough to get himself to his supplies, and he was thankful his silver sword caught the light well enough for him to not step on it.

Lambert shucked off his soaking wet shirt, wringing it out. Azurmat was watching him, settled in close. There was a soft, scorning noise and a single pad of its finger brushed one of Lambert’s knees. He was surprised to feel it stung.

“Injured,” Azurmat said, tone sad. “Thought nest would protect. Hurt skin. No-scale so soft.”

Lambert couldn’t exactly see his knees, but brought a hand down to feel them. The skin there was torn slightly- just a bit of friction burn against the rocks. Probably happened in the middle of things when he wouldn’t notice such a small injury. 

“Eh, whatever. It’s nothing.”

“No, no,” Azurmat muttered, sliding in closer. Those luminous eyes staring at the small gravel-rash. “Do not like hurt.”

What a fucking strange creature. Even if it was a benevolent little god, most things like that wouldn’t give a shit if their subjects got a little rug burn. “Do you see the rest of me?” Lambert asked, incredulous. He gestured to a rather large scar across his ribs, a gift from a particularly cantankerous basilisk. Azurmat followed the line of it, its eyes growing wider in surprise. Lambert watched as the serpent looked at his scars, letting the creature turn him about with soft touches, using the back of its talons to touch his skin.

Normally, having his scars —his personal failings to protect himself, to be fast enough or clever enough— so thoroughly inspected would lead to a mixture of embarrassment and anger. However, he knew that Azurmat wasn’t looking at them the same way a human did. 

“Witcher is warrior,” Azurmat said, voice airy and- maybe Lambert was imagining it- a bit awed. “Many battles.”

“Eh.” Lambert shrugged. “A good amount. I kill monsters for money.” That felt a little wrong to say to a creature you were paid to kill. “Well, the monsters that hurt people, that kill and eat them.”

“Lambert could have killed Azurmat,” it responded, eyes settling on his face. He wasn’t so sure he actually could have- Azurmat had a great deal of strength and was a fucking mystery. Fuck, it could be venomous as all hell, what did he know? 

“I’m not going to,” he said, a bit hastily. Now was not a good time to make Azurmat nervous. He was naked except for his boots and the serpent had his talons mere centimeters from his skin. “You could have killed me, too.”

Azurmat shook its head. “Kill to eat, to protect.”

Lambert grunted, trying not to feel a bit of guilt. He definitely didn’t kill only to protect or to eat. Fuck, Azurmat was probably a more moral creature than he was. Lambert would have laughed at the guy that fell into the mine hunting for him, not buried him and built a marker.

“I’ll make sure no one else comes looking for you,” he muttered. Azurmat hadn’t hurt anyone, and it wasn’t going to. “I’ll tell them the mine is too dangerous.”

Azurmat nodded. “Lambert protect Azurmat.” 

He was thankful that the serpent moved away after that, because he failed to keep the frazzled look off of his face. Lambert kneeled down to grasp a second dose of Cat. He would need it to get out. The taste was horrific, as usual, and the stab of pain in his eyes made him wince. 

The room around him came back into sharp contrast, black and white with hints of color. He looked to Azurmat, fascinated at the slight blue flashes its scales gave off. He wondered what the serpent looked like in the sun, warming on a rock. 

Lambert was struck with an impulse. There was a stick or two in the nest, and although his eyes were too sensitive from Cat to light a torch, a twig wouldn’t hurt him.

Azurmat was tending to the nest in question, digging out the portion they dirtied. Lambert found a dry enough bit of tinder, and then chewed on how to ask what he wanted. 

It was stupid. Just a fucking curiosity. He knew Azurmat was blue- it was in the damn thing’s name, but the scales glittered even in the light let off by a few fucking mushrooms. What the hell did it look like illuminated?

“Hey, can I light a fire? To see you better?”

Azurmat turned to peer at him, tilting its head. “Azurmat ugly, Lambert. Why want?”

Fuck, well that was sad. Lambert could relate to that. People often gave him looks that conveyed he was an ugly bastard, whether it was his scars or his fucking hairline or his damn mutant eyes. Something inhuman and ugly. 

“You’re not ugly,” he grumbled. “Drowners are fucking ugly.” Azurmat blinked at him and Lambert growled at himself. Fucking tell the fucking snake-man what you want you useless shit. 

“I want to see your scales,” Lambert said, twirling the twig in his fingers, trying not to feel like an idiot.

“Yes, Lambert can see.” Azurmat leaned back, closed its eyes to protect them from the light. Lambert cast a quick Igni, lighting the end of the twig with a small frame. The yellow light cast long shadows, and Lambert squinted as the flame bleached out his vision. 

When his eyes finally adjusted, Lambert had to take a moment and stare. Azurmat wasn’t a dark midnight of a blue, it was the color of the sky in a desert. The scales shone like small jewels, rippling and glittering in the light. He’d never seen a monster so bright and vivid. The twig burned out, and Lambert blinked frantically to adjust. 

The first thing he managed to see was a pair of green, luminous eyes.

“See?” Azurmat asked.

“Yeah, you’re blue,” he said, stupidly. Really fucking blue. Sure, its face was a bit terrifying, and the talons and spines were daunting, but those scales- fuck, a dragon would be envious. 

He would have to make sure no one would come near this place. Spread some rumors of cave ins and rockslides, say the monster was dead and sunk into the abyss of the flooded mine, cursed the place. 

Fuck, this was new ground for him- trying to keep a fucking creature safe. Geralt would know what to do. Fucking Geralt. Why the hell couldn’t Geralt have got this fucking job?

Azurmat made a noise that must have been like a laugh, and began to arrange the nest again. 

“How long do you sleep?” Lambert asked. “We talking years? Decades?”

“Last sleep, eight years.” 

Okay, well- he could always double back in a few years and make sure no one had tried reopening the mine. 

Fuck, what was he thinking? He was standing there, ass naked in soaking wet boots, trying to come up with a plan to hide a sapphire snake monster who just fucked him within an inch of his life. And, who was arguably a much better person than he was. 

That fucking must have knocked the sense out of him.

“You tired yet?” Lambert asked, trying to derail his ridiculous thought process. The sooner he put Azurmat to bed the sooner he could fuck off somewhere and get blindingly, stupid drunk. He needed it.

Azurmat finally finished with the nest, uncoiling in a stretch. Its long arms nearly touched the roof of the cavern. “Soon,” it admitted, “not yet.”

Lambert tossed his hands in frustration. “Well I’m not singing a lullaby. What else do you need?”

The green eyes gave him a quick once over. “Lambert tired?”

The witcher tried not to startle, but really— “what? Again?”

Azurmat shrugged.

“How many times do you normally cum while mating?” Lambert said, voice only slightly hysterical. 

“Cum?”

Fucking language barriers.

“Uh, orgasm? Spill? Spend? Ejaculate?” Those were the nicest terms he knew for it, everything else was obscene and most likely not in its vocabulary. To add to the translation efforts, Lambert mimed a bit.

That seemed to get across. “Ah. Much as Azurmat can.”

Well, he couldn’t exactly argue with that logic. 

Azurmat lounged back on itself, laying almost casually over the thick coils of its body. “Lambert want?”

Fuck, yeah okay maybe a little. Cat always made him a little jittery and excitable. Plus, it wasn’t like it hurt him last time, and coming while that fucking cock was in him? That would be something. 

“Yeah, okay,” he grunted, trudging over. Lambert stopped just in front of it, arms crossed. He knew he looked petulant and a bit stupid, but he really didn’t have any dignity left so why care? “How are we doing this?”

Azurmat leaned back further and crooked its long fingers. “Come up,” it said, gesturing to its hips. What? Lambert was supposed to just scramble up there?

Thankfully, the angle wasn’t steep, and he threw a leg over the solid, wide body and straddled it. It was a little awkward, like trying to ride a draft horse. Azurmat wasn’t, well, exposed yet- its penis still hidden behind its belly plates. Lambert frowned down at the spot in front of him, wondering what the fuck to do. 

Azurmat led the charge. “Touch here?” It asked, brushing a finger over the divide in its scales. Lambert brought his hands down and ran his thumbs up the slit, pushing down with his palms. Azurmat hissed encouragingly, and he did it again. The slit widened and his thumbs became slick, and Lambert found that he was suddenly very interested in rubbing his whole palm over the growing bulge. 

The cockhead finally pushed out against his hand, sliding cool and wet against him. Lambert made a loose fist and stoked it, trying not to look too stunned as he watched it grow. Fuck, this was weird, but he really liked it. 

Azurmat’s fingers gently stroked his sides, the claw tips barely tickling him. “Good,” it said, eyes lidded and watching Lambert’s hands stroke its cock in long pulls. One of its fingers slid down to the base of the witcher’s spine, then lower, the pad of the finger pressing to his sore hole. The backside of a talon nudged up behind his balls. Lambert should have been terrified of being disemboweled. Instead, he choked on a gasp.

“No?” Azurmat asked, its touch retreating. Lambert shook his head and brought his own hand back behind himself, now slick with the precome Azurmat’s cock produced. He rubbed the wetness over his hole, whined pitifully at the sensitivity. Fuck, it hurt, but it also felt so intensely good. He always was a little fucked in the head for things like this. 

“I can take you,” he growled, trying to pull himself further up Azurmat’s torso, sliding his own hardening prick against the massive cock he straddled. “Come on, again.”

Azurmat took hold of him around the ribs, once again lifting him as if he weren’t a block of solid muscle. Lambert groaned at how fucking hot that was. How small he was by comparison, how stupidly helpless. He never felt like this during sex. No matter who he fucked, he always knew he could take them, fight them, free himself. Even other witchers didn’t make him feel like this. He really was inconsequential, here.

The green eyes watching him didn’t exactly convey that, though. Azurmat’s pupils were huge and blown out, and they were staring directly at his face. Lambert shuddered, bit at his lip and looked away, focused instead on trying to line them up.

The first press was easy. He was still loose and Azurmat was slick at the tip, sliding into him nearly a fourth of the way, effortlessly. As soon as resistance was met, Azurmat paused, holding Lambert still. The witcher cursed and tried to get some purchase with his feet, but was only able to rock and wriggle in place. He may have been on top, but Azurmat wasn’t relenting control in the slightest.

It was relieving and frustrating at the same time.

“I can take it, let me,” he insisted, trying to push back. He didn’t have the leverage. 

“Hush, pretty,” Azurmat whispered, its thumbs rubbing over his chest, palms pressed to his ribs. Lambert gasped as the serpent stroked his nipples. The added stimulus was delicious. “Patience.”

He knew Azurmat was right, that he should give himself time to adjust, but he was never a calm man. It was good he had little choice in the matter. Held as he was, there was no way he could take more until Azurmat wanted him to. 

Lambert took deep, groaning breaths, his hands holding onto the serpent’s wrists, and gave in. Azurmat made a pleased noise, and lifted him slightly, drawing its cock nearly all the way out before bringing him back down, slightly deeper. Powerless to speed up the process, Lambert tried to make his body go limp, to relax and take what he was given. Within a few agonized minutes the thickest bulge of Azurmat’s cock was pushing at his hole, and Lambert was losing it.

“Please, just… fuck, just push me down on it. I can take it, please,” his fingers scrabbled at Azurmat’s wrists, whining as the serpent rubbed his nipples again. 

The serpent leaned forward, its tongue swiping a line from his cockhead up to his collarbone, the cool saliva lapping up his sweat. Lambert was lifted again and whimpered in response.

“Take when ready, Lambert.”

He was ready, fuck, he was so ready- it ached and wanted it and he was so filthy and wet. He just wanted to be dropped down on it, take it like he did before, but Azurmat was stopping at the slightest resistance. 

“I’m ready, I’m ready,” he snarled in frustration, crying out as he was lifted again. He felt the alien sensation of tears prickling in his eyes. He hated this, he fucking loved it. No control, no ability to give himself what he wanted. 

Azurmat hissed, low and quieting. “Then give it.”

Lambert found himself nodding frantically. He was, he would. Fuck, why was surrendering so difficult when he knew it would give him what he wanted?

Azurmat lowered him again, and Lambert shakily let out his breath and bore down as he took its cock deeper. He didn’t clench or complain when he was lifted again, just gave in and let Azurmat guide him. He felt like he was floating, aching and feeling so full, then empty, then full again.

When it finally happened, it was almost a surprise. There was the slightest ache, a burning stretch and then he was seated on a cool, broad body, his legs spread obscenely wide, so full it pushed a cry out of him.

“There,” Azurmat whispered, running its tongue up his chest, curving around the side of his neck. “There.”

Every exhale was an exclamation, and he shook, overwhelmed. He was stuck there, held steady, completely speared on the biggest cock he’d ever seen. Lambert squeezed his eyes shut, his own cock was so hard it hurt. The pressure inside of him was just on the right side of painful, and the thick bulge of Azurmat’s prick was grinding down on his prostate, electrifying his spine. He couldn’t do anything but be held there and take it. 

“Sweet, pretty,” Azurmat crooned, moving its thumbs again, almost reverently over his chest. Lambert choked on a noise of dismay.

“No, not…” 

“Yesss,” the snake said, bringing its thumb down to stroke his belly, as if it could feel its cock bulging inside of him. He’s so full, and in this position Lambert felt as if Azurmat was even deeper than before. 

The grip on Lambert loosened, and he was finally able to reach down and touch himself. The friction made him twitch, moving him on Azurmat’s cock. It was so deep, but Lambert had good enough leverage with his thighs to lift himself a small amount and fall forward, propping himself on the serpent’s chest. The relief was slight, but it did allow him enough room to grind Azurmat cock against his prostate.

The serpent petted at his sides and back, eyes lidded and pleased. Even leaning forward, Lambert barely came to the monster’s collarbone. He wasn’t a small man by any means, but compared to Azurmat he was petite. 

“Fucking hell…” Lambert whimpered, working himself steadily as he rocked down onto Azurmat. The difference in their temperatures added to the strangeness of it. Lambert was burning hot, feverish- and Azurmat was as cool as the cave walls. Lambert didn’t love the cold, but it was almost a relief to have the reprieve of a chilly body against and inside of him. 

He rode in short, shallow movements, his body adjusting and accommodating as he was steadily fucked into. The burn was abating, and was replaced by the wonderful ache of being used. Lambert loved being sore after a good fuck; there was nothing quite like putting his resilient body to the test when the reward was pleasure instead of pain.

Fuck, he was going to be so sore after this. 

Azurmat shifted under him, flexing its body up to meet his movements. Lambert moaned and clenched down. The serpent hissed and its eyes fluttered. Fuck yeah, he was doing that. He wanted to see if he could get Azurmat to come in him again.

“Come on,” he gasped between thrusts, “use me. You said you wanted to wear yourself out, fucking do it.”

The serpent moved again, this time in a way that had Lambert scrambling to hold on. Azurmat sat up, its hands holding the witcher flush to its body. Lambert did not squeal as the sudden movement had most of his weight down on the cock in his ass. He refused to call it a squeal. He was just, well, voicing his disapproval.

Azurmat sat up all the way, lifting Lambert with it. The witcher desperately grabbed at its shoulders to relieve some of the pressure, and clamped hard with his legs, as if Azurmat was a tree he was trying to cling to. He felt fucking ridiculous. 

He did sort of ask for it, though.

“Hush, hush,” Azurmat said, getting one hand under his thigh and setting another to his back, holding Lambert up and in place. “Will not let fall.”

“Just let me…” Lambert snarled, trying his best not to stab his hand on the spines on Azurmat’s neck. He managed to get a good enough grip to feel secure. 

“Good?” The serpent bent its neck, tongue flicking out to lick his jawline. Lambert wanted to bite it. Maybe see if he wanted it in his mouth. 

“Yeah,” he grumbled, feeling tiny and weightless and a little surprised at how hard it was making him. “I’m good, come on.”

Azurmat rolled its hips, fully seating its cock on the upstroke and threatening to pull the bulge of it free on the down. It was a lot more movement than Lambert had been doing, and he promptly choked on his tongue as he moaned. Fuck.

It was all he could do just to hang on. Azurmat lifted and dropped him against its thrusts, bouncing him down on its cock like he weighed nothing at all. Lambert’s moans became open-mouthed cries, each deep push forcing a louder and louder noise out of him. They might have been words, he couldn’t tell. The noise was echoing around the cavern.

He couldn’t easily touch himself in that position, but he was sliding against the smooth belly scales of Azurmat’s abdomen, his cock rubbing against the cool flesh. His body was burning up, aching and trembling apart, the threat of too much just on the edge of the pleasure. 

Lambert was dazed by the onslaught, completely powerless and loving the freedom in it. He tipped his chin up to look at Azurmat, knowing he looked like a fucking wreck and not giving a shit. 

The green eyes above him were watching him closely and a terrifying mouth, not far from his own face, was open and breathing heavily. The long tongue swiped across his bottom lip and Lambert opened his mouth further, daring it.

Azurmat’s tongue was cool and wet, but not at all disgusting. Lambert let it push into his mouth, rolling his own tongue against it and growled when it pulled away. Fuck, that thing had been inside of him, wringing an orgasm out of him not even an hour earlier. His face was wet, whether from saliva or sweat or tears, and Azurmat licked at his cheek, his brow, his mouth- giving whatever form of kisses it could. He tried to catch its tongue again, finally managing to close his lips over it and sucking hard.

Azurmat jerked in surprise, jolting Lambert in the process. He moaned around the tongue in his mouth. Azurmat responded by pushing it deeper, nearing choking him on it. Holy shit, why was that hot?

He was drooling by the time it pulled out, gasping like a landed fish. Fuck, he was dizzy and sex drunk and so close to being overstimulated, but he was also so close to coming. He had to get a hand on himself before he passed out.

Lambert risked letting go of one of Azurmat’s shoulders to get a grip on his cock. He wobbled a little, but the serpent caught and held him steady through their movements. His ass was abused but his cock was neglected, and the soreness that rippled through both was fucking perfect.

Azurmat’s pace increased slightly, its hissing breaths coming faster. Those bright eyes were still watching as Lambert stripped his cock frantically. 

“On scales, pretty,” the serpent whispered, “finish on Azurmat.”

“Fuck yeah,” Lambert said, voice raw. He was shaking, teetering on a knife edge. He thought about it, about coming all over those gorgeous scales, of leaving his scent on Azurmat, in its nest, on its very skin, the scent staying long after he left.

If Lambert was in any mood to give a fuck, he would have been embarrassed by the noise he made. Thankfully, he did not give a fuck, and wailed loudly as his body locked up, tensing hard as he came. It shook through him almost violently, whiting out parts of his vision. 

Against him, Azurmat let out a long hiss, picking up its pace for only a moment longer and reached its peak, pushing deep as its cock pulsed inside of the witcher. Lambert was barely conscious enough to feel it, his head lolling to rest on Azurmat’s chest. 

They were still for a long moment, both breathing heavily, trying to ground themselves again. Azurmat was much faster to recover. 

Lambert shuddered as the serpent moved, still held in the being’s arms and impaled on its softening cock. Azurmat lowered him carefully down into the tangle of its nest, hushing Lambert’s whimper as they separated, leaving the witcher sore and empty. 

Laying in the pile of leaves and grassed, Lambert felt high and fuzzy, his brain saturated with endorphins. The echoes of pain made his skin buzz, and the boneless relaxation following a hard orgasm had him reeling. He made a questioning noise as Azurmat moved down to lick at his groin and thighs, cleaning him with gentle sweeps of its cool tongue.

Faintly, he was aware he was falling asleep and that it was a terrible idea. He was also aware that this entire ordeal had not been very intelligent to start with, so why should he worry about all of that, now? He was too fucked out and blissed to even care if Azurmat ended up eating him. Had to die sometime. Might as well die after the craziest fuck of his life. 

Azurmat asked him something as he drifted, but Lambert didn’t bother answering. He just closed his eyes.

* * *

  
  


Lambert never wondered how it would feel to be held in the coils of a giant snake, and if he did really wonder, it would be about how long it took to die that way. Being crushed to death was one of the less glamorous ways to go, in his opinion. 

In reality, being wrapped up by a huge reptile wasn’t as bad as one would think. 

Azurmat was sleeping peacefully, head pillowed on its long arms. Its serpentine lower half was gently wrapped around Lambert, encircling him. The witcher realized, with some embarrassment, he was hugging on to part of its tail in his slumber. 

Lambert cursed as he woke to a much darker room; he’d slept through the remainder of his Cat dose. He’d only had two drams. Getting out of there was going to be a pain in the ass. 

Shifting to sit up, he was reminded of the literal pain in his own ass. He reached back to touch himself carefully, hissing at the tenderness he found there. The rim of his hole was swollen, but he didn’t feel anything like a tear or permanent damage. Still, he needed some salve or something because he wasn’t going to be sitting properly for days.

How the fuck did regular humans pull this off? 

_Well, for one_ , he thought, _they probably had a little more planning than just jumping on a monster dick_.

He was a little graceless getting up, but no one was witnessing his blunder, anyway. It took a minute to navigate back to his supplies, and Lambert redressed slowly, grunting as he felt new aches twinge through him. He needed to take a few days off after this, fuck.

A dim green light glowed behind him and Lambert turned to see Azurmat watching him. The snake yawned, and the sight of all of those needle teeth in that wide jaw made Lambert swallow harshly. Fuck. With the way Azurmat acted, it was almost easy to forget it could swallow a fucking goat.

Lambert finished with his shirt, worked at putting on the heavy brigantine and closing the front. All that was left was his potions pouch and swords, and he would be ready to stumble his way out of the mine, and hopefully not die in the process. Fucking caves. 

“Leaving now, Lambert?” Azurmat asked.

“Yeah,” he said, trying to smooth his hair back as if it mattered at all, “gotta report back to the alderman about you.”

“What will you tell?”

Lambert frowned. He needed to make something up that would keep the townsfolk out of here, preferably permanently. “I’ll tell them I killed you, but the body fell into the mines. He may stiff my pay with no evidence, but whatever.” He made a show of tying his shoe, ignoring the way Azurmat was staring at him. “I’ll make up some bullshit about how the mines are cursed, now and everyone needs to stay out. Tell them the missing man was found, died of a fall- unrelated to you, and was buried.”

It may work. Lambert would stress how dangerous the mines were, how they were cursed and collapsing and how they should never be disturbed again. Hopefully, Azurmat could sleep away the years in peace.

“What are you going to do when you wake?” Lambert asked, getting his supply pouch tethered to his belt. 

Azurmat blinked, thinking. “Will move on,” it said. “Cave is good, but people are scared. Will be a long time asleep, then travel again.”

“Try the Blue Mountains,” Lambert said. “The northern Blue Mountains are near my regular hunting range, and the higher elevations are pretty scarce on humans.” That was the only reason to suggest it, really. It wasn’t like he would see Azurmat again, or possibly try to derail another contract out against a great blue snake lurking in the shadows. 

“Thank you,” Azurmat said, soft and airy. “Lambert protect.”

The witcher blustered and tried to hide the fumble of his swords and he threw them over the shoulder. Azurmat didn’t comment on his obvious embarrassment, and instead dug into the nest, pulling out a stone.

“Lambert help Azurmat. Give gift?” It asked, holding the stone out between its claws. It was a chunk of raw amber, shining in the dim light. Must have been what the mine was for. “Like eyes,” Azurmat offered, dropping the gem into Lambert’s waiting hand. “Very pretty.”

It was a nice gem, run through with dark veins of fossilized plant fibers. He could see it shine even in the low light. Lambert shoved it in his pocket before he looked into the gift too far. He could sell it for an equally pretty coin. 

“Thanks,” he said, clearing his throat loudly. “Alright, so I am just going to be going.” Lambert turned to walk away, but a tail curled up to block his path, gently herding him back. 

Two huge hands closed gently around him, bringing him close. Azurmat bumped his nose on Lambert’s forehead. 

“Sleep well,” he muttered, fighting the hot flush he knew was reddening up his ears. “And stay out of trouble. I didn’t do all of this so that you get on another witcher’s contract.”

Azurmat pulled away and nodded, drawing his fingers over Lambert’s ribs as he withdrew. “Azurmat will hide, be safe.” The bright green eyes blinked slowly. “Will sleep, will be quiet.”

“Good.” There was a pressure in his throat, and Lambert coughed to relieve it. He picked his way across the cavern, eyeballing the water. He would be able to get out without the help of Cat, it would just be annoying and slow. 

Lambert gave Azurmat one last look. It was barely visible in its nest of leaves in the dark, barely illuminated by the mushrooms on the walls. Two lidded green eyes watched him.

“Bye, I guess,” he muttered. How did someone say goodbye to a monster they just fucked and tucked into bed? What the fuck was Lambert’s life?

“Be safe, Lambert.” Azurmat shuffled in its bedding, luminous eyes blinking drowsily as it laid down again.

The witcher nodded, more to himself than anything, and jumped into the cold water.

* * *

  
  


Getting out of the mine was a pain and a half, not simply because he couldn’t see well, but also because he was, frankly, extremely sore. Climbing had him wincing at the twinges in his backside. He would not be riding his horse any time soon. 

Once out, Lambert set off a controlled explosion that toppled a thin slab of rock over the shaft, preventing further dead explorers. Azurmat could lift the stone easily when it woke.

He could check back in a few years, just to be safe.

The alderman wasn’t pleased that there was no evidence of the kill, but softened when Lambert described the grave for the man who went missing, and because he assumed Lambert did it, the cut in pay wasn’t unreasonable. The witcher made sure to sound ominous and severe when describing the cursed and dangerous state of the mine, making the man promise to alert the village and stay out of it. 

A decent amount of coin in one pocket and a chunk of amber in the other, Lambert made his way out of the town. It really hadn’t turned out all that bad- maybe Geralt was on to something. Lambert didn’t get injured, he’d made his money and he got laid. Sure, he would rather die than tell his brothers about that last part, but still. It could have gone a whole lot worse.

Lambert’s thoughts were interrupted as something prodded him in his boot, and he kneeled down to inspect it. A small object, the size of a fingernail, was lodged near his ankle. Lambert plucked it out and looked at it. It was a scale, small and shining like a sapphire in the sun. The witcher rubbed it between his fingers, enjoying the glimmer. He could sell the amber- it would more than make up for what he lost in profit. Plus, it was too large to carry. Large momentos were silly, unreasonable.

A small scale? That he could keep. 

That could be something just for himself. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Why am I like this? WHY DID I ILLUSTRATE THIS?!
> 
> This is worse than that one time I did cloaca porn...


End file.
